A Year of Changes

2016 is in the books. All I must say is “Praise the Lord”.

Girl, Bye!

I hated 2016. It was seriously one of those years where anything that could have gone wrong, went wrong.

• A celebrity passed away almost every other day. Thank God Betty White was not affected by 2016. We can all be thankful we didn’t lose precious Rose Nylund.

• Everyone fell apart after the elections. I plead the 5^th on where I stand politically. I stayed quiet all during elections and I am not going to start sharing my opinions now. (Pat on the back)

• My personal life went up in ruins.

• Things started falling apart at my job.

• Hurricane Matthew

• My family somehow managed to handle another scandal in our small town. I don’t even want to begin with how many we have been through since moving to Florida. Too many to count. It’s exhausting.

• Depression

Some great things happened in 2016, too.

Ansley is a Long. My brother is a married man. Woof! I couldn’t be happier for him. Seems like the always have been married but I guess now it’s official. It was a beautiful wedding full of love, family, and friends.

Mr. and Mrs. Long
Established 7.30.16

I don’t know about you but something about weddings puts things into perspective. I saw their future together. Their new life they were going to start in Nashville. They were so genuinely happy to have all their friends and family come from all over to Auburn to celebrate their love.

Yet there I was in the midst of the wedding festivities realizing I was 26 and have never been in a relationship. Never been kissed. I was 26 living in my parent’s house because I don’t have the resources to support myself on my own. I barely did anything outside of work. I started thinking about just how unhappy I was. Don’t get me wrong, I have my family who loves me and a job that pays the bills. But things in my personal life were honestly going up in smoke right before my eyes.

Part of me always thought I would be living in the white house with an Elizabeth Arden red door by now with Mr. Right. Corny? Yes. But I have never really wanted to work all my life. I have always had the “Samantha” dreams of being married with kids with the “Carrie” wardrobe. If you don’t know what I am referring to you need to check yo self. I want to stay at home and live out that Pinterest fairytale. To see my brother getting that one thing I always wanted, was a little hard to swallow.

I lost it.

I saw all my past decisions I made wondering if I made the right choice. Did I do myself wrong not having that college experience both my brother and sister had? Did I make the wrong choice coming back home after college?

I had an amazing friendship that was one for the record books literally crumble in front of my eyes. It tore me up. In the time where I needed a friend, someone to give me a hug and tell me it was going to be okay…I felt alone. I remember bringing up how alone I felt. Hoping something would click and it would get better. But it didn’t. I was left hanging out to dry. I would be sad and upset. Days later she would be sad too. 

All of the sudden all communication stopped.

It kept getting worse and worse. I felt myself slipping, HARD. I was not okay. The one person I thought would be there, was nowhere to be found. Literally and figuratively.  

I look back at pictures and think about everything we used to do. The fun midnight adventures. The restaurants we used to try. We always had a blast together. I miss that. I miss everything about the things we would do together. I miss that person she used to be. I miss it more than you will ever know. I miss my best friend.

But I couldn’t keep hoping and praying that something would happen and magically everything would go back to how it used to be. It got weird and became hard for me to say anything. When we did communicate, I would leave conversations with my head spinning for days on end trying to figure out how things got so twisted.

I lost a special friendship. One that meant the world to me. One that also confused me. 

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”
Isaiah 43:2 

I lost myself.

I felt like I wasn’t doing good enough. I work my ass off and feel like it goes completely unnoticed. I was running the show at the office. Any little tiny mistake I made, fell on my shoulders. I was/am alone almost all day. Everyday. I worked in my office with little to no communication. Everything was sent to me through email. The phone never rang. It was just me, myself and I.

I was starting to think I wasn’t good at anything. My work was subpar. I would see things online to get inspiration only to feel defeated like I could never do that. I did good but never felt like I was knocking it out of the park either. My confidence that I worked so hard for was going down the drain. I constantly try to learn and grow but was starting to think, “you are a day late and a dollar short, my dear. There is no way you will ever be able to get up to their level”.

How on earth was I supposed to do everything and still manage to hold myself together? I am a perfectionist. I don’t leave the house without my makeup on, nails painted, and hair done. I make everyone think that I have my life together when in reality, I am crumbling on the inside. I would put on waterproof mascara in fear that I would have a break down at any second. Somedays, I would catch myself running to the bathroom at the office to stop the tears from coming at work. I would cry myself to sleep night after night because that is how miserable/insecure I was. At this point in my life, it was a daily task to figure out how to keep breathing.

I was realizing I was unhappy doing the same thing every single day. Rinse and repeat. I wasn’t settling. I never will. That is not who I am. I wasn’t miserable but I wasn’t happy either. I was completely numb. No clue what to do or how to do it. I needed someone to slap me back to reality and tell me “WAKE THE HECK UP!”

Physically and mentally, I can’t take on any more crap. I have been bearing the load of a lot of guilt, shame, embarrassment for far too long. I would stay up at night overthinking every little detail of things I have done/said in the past trying to figure out where I went wrong. What did I do to make everything flip upside down on me? Am I just a horrible person who needed to have my life or what I thought was my life go up in smoke?

“I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.”
2 Kings 20:5

Last time I truly opened up and was extremely venerable, I had everything I have ever said in complete confidence, throw everything back in my face. 

I had to be honest with myself.

God was shutting doors I would have never shut. He was showing me how the people in my life were either pushing me forward or holding me back. The ones that were holding me back and making me feel horrible about myself got shut out.

Depression sucks. I am slowly coming up for air. Little by little, I am getting there. I have my good days and bad days. I am mentally exhausted, overwhelmed and completely stressed out. I am tired. Tired of feeling defeated. Tired of feeling unhappy. Tired of doing the same thing every day. Looking at the same views out of the window only to see everyone having a life but me.

I am determined to make the most of this year. I can’t change the past. But I knew if I kept going the way I was going; I was going to ruin any chance of having a good 2017.

I turned 27 on December 27^th. My golden birthday so they say.

I hate new year’s resolutions. I vow every year not to make them because I know I won’t do them.

However, it’s January 6^th and I am proud to say…

• I got myself organized. I slayed my closet and room redecoration (more on that later).

• I am getting myself mentally back on track. I read Proverbs 31 and Ann Voskamp devotionals every day.

• I am making myself a priority. I am walking. Doing HerbalLife shakes. Listening to music that makes me happy (Josh Groban, One Direction, and Brett Eldredge. Don’t judge). Watching too much Bravo channel.

• Experiencing life. Going to way too many concerts. Going to NYC for a day (So excited). Hopefully going to Nashville and Savannah soon. Thinking about getting a Disney pass.

• Learning new things. I am learning how to sew, calligraphy and make more jewelry.

• I am excited about the future. Considering the possibility of moving and getting a place with my sister. New job. Possibly?

• I am making myself happy. Blogging. Discovering new makeup. Styling.

• I am getting my strut back. Little by little I am learning to love myself again. It’s not going to happen overnight BUT I am getting there.

“God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith.”
Joel 2:25 

2017.

I am ready.