A Year of Changes

2016 is in the books. All I must say is “Praise the Lord”.

Girl, Bye!

I hated 2016. It was seriously one of those years where anything that could have gone wrong, went wrong.

• A celebrity passed away almost every other day. Thank God Betty White was not affected by 2016. We can all be thankful we didn’t lose precious Rose Nylund.

• Everyone fell apart after the elections. I plead the 5^th on where I stand politically. I stayed quiet all during elections and I am not going to start sharing my opinions now. (Pat on the back)

• My personal life went up in ruins.

• Things started falling apart at my job.

• Hurricane Matthew

• My family somehow managed to handle another scandal in our small town. I don’t even want to begin with how many we have been through since moving to Florida. Too many to count. It’s exhausting.

• Depression

Some great things happened in 2016, too.

Ansley is a Long. My brother is a married man. Woof! I couldn’t be happier for him. Seems like the always have been married but I guess now it’s official. It was a beautiful wedding full of love, family, and friends.

Mr. and Mrs. Long
Established 7.30.16

I don’t know about you but something about weddings puts things into perspective. I saw their future together. Their new life they were going to start in Nashville. They were so genuinely happy to have all their friends and family come from all over to Auburn to celebrate their love.

Yet there I was in the midst of the wedding festivities realizing I was 26 and have never been in a relationship. Never been kissed. I was 26 living in my parent’s house because I don’t have the resources to support myself on my own. I barely did anything outside of work. I started thinking about just how unhappy I was. Don’t get me wrong, I have my family who loves me and a job that pays the bills. But things in my personal life were honestly going up in smoke right before my eyes.

Part of me always thought I would be living in the white house with an Elizabeth Arden red door by now with Mr. Right. Corny? Yes. But I have never really wanted to work all my life. I have always had the “Samantha” dreams of being married with kids with the “Carrie” wardrobe. If you don’t know what I am referring to you need to check yo self. I want to stay at home and live out that Pinterest fairytale. To see my brother getting that one thing I always wanted, was a little hard to swallow.

I lost it.

I saw all my past decisions I made wondering if I made the right choice. Did I do myself wrong not having that college experience both my brother and sister had? Did I make the wrong choice coming back home after college?

I had an amazing friendship that was one for the record books literally crumble in front of my eyes. It tore me up. In the time where I needed a friend, someone to give me a hug and tell me it was going to be okay…I felt alone. I remember bringing up how alone I felt. Hoping something would click and it would get better. But it didn’t. I was left hanging out to dry. I would be sad and upset. Days later she would be sad too. 

All of the sudden all communication stopped.

It kept getting worse and worse. I felt myself slipping, HARD. I was not okay. The one person I thought would be there, was nowhere to be found. Literally and figuratively.  

I look back at pictures and think about everything we used to do. The fun midnight adventures. The restaurants we used to try. We always had a blast together. I miss that. I miss everything about the things we would do together. I miss that person she used to be. I miss it more than you will ever know. I miss my best friend.

But I couldn’t keep hoping and praying that something would happen and magically everything would go back to how it used to be. It got weird and became hard for me to say anything. When we did communicate, I would leave conversations with my head spinning for days on end trying to figure out how things got so twisted.

I lost a special friendship. One that meant the world to me. One that also confused me. 

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”
Isaiah 43:2 

I lost myself.

I felt like I wasn’t doing good enough. I work my ass off and feel like it goes completely unnoticed. I was running the show at the office. Any little tiny mistake I made, fell on my shoulders. I was/am alone almost all day. Everyday. I worked in my office with little to no communication. Everything was sent to me through email. The phone never rang. It was just me, myself and I.

I was starting to think I wasn’t good at anything. My work was subpar. I would see things online to get inspiration only to feel defeated like I could never do that. I did good but never felt like I was knocking it out of the park either. My confidence that I worked so hard for was going down the drain. I constantly try to learn and grow but was starting to think, “you are a day late and a dollar short, my dear. There is no way you will ever be able to get up to their level”.

How on earth was I supposed to do everything and still manage to hold myself together? I am a perfectionist. I don’t leave the house without my makeup on, nails painted, and hair done. I make everyone think that I have my life together when in reality, I am crumbling on the inside. I would put on waterproof mascara in fear that I would have a break down at any second. Somedays, I would catch myself running to the bathroom at the office to stop the tears from coming at work. I would cry myself to sleep night after night because that is how miserable/insecure I was. At this point in my life, it was a daily task to figure out how to keep breathing.

I was realizing I was unhappy doing the same thing every single day. Rinse and repeat. I wasn’t settling. I never will. That is not who I am. I wasn’t miserable but I wasn’t happy either. I was completely numb. No clue what to do or how to do it. I needed someone to slap me back to reality and tell me “WAKE THE HECK UP!”

Physically and mentally, I can’t take on any more crap. I have been bearing the load of a lot of guilt, shame, embarrassment for far too long. I would stay up at night overthinking every little detail of things I have done/said in the past trying to figure out where I went wrong. What did I do to make everything flip upside down on me? Am I just a horrible person who needed to have my life or what I thought was my life go up in smoke?

“I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.”
2 Kings 20:5

Last time I truly opened up and was extremely venerable, I had everything I have ever said in complete confidence, throw everything back in my face. 

I had to be honest with myself.

God was shutting doors I would have never shut. He was showing me how the people in my life were either pushing me forward or holding me back. The ones that were holding me back and making me feel horrible about myself got shut out.

Depression sucks. I am slowly coming up for air. Little by little, I am getting there. I have my good days and bad days. I am mentally exhausted, overwhelmed and completely stressed out. I am tired. Tired of feeling defeated. Tired of feeling unhappy. Tired of doing the same thing every day. Looking at the same views out of the window only to see everyone having a life but me.

I am determined to make the most of this year. I can’t change the past. But I knew if I kept going the way I was going; I was going to ruin any chance of having a good 2017.

I turned 27 on December 27^th. My golden birthday so they say.

I hate new year’s resolutions. I vow every year not to make them because I know I won’t do them.

However, it’s January 6^th and I am proud to say…

• I got myself organized. I slayed my closet and room redecoration (more on that later).

• I am getting myself mentally back on track. I read Proverbs 31 and Ann Voskamp devotionals every day.

• I am making myself a priority. I am walking. Doing HerbalLife shakes. Listening to music that makes me happy (Josh Groban, One Direction, and Brett Eldredge. Don’t judge). Watching too much Bravo channel.

• Experiencing life. Going to way too many concerts. Going to NYC for a day (So excited). Hopefully going to Nashville and Savannah soon. Thinking about getting a Disney pass.

• Learning new things. I am learning how to sew, calligraphy and make more jewelry.

• I am excited about the future. Considering the possibility of moving and getting a place with my sister. New job. Possibly?

• I am making myself happy. Blogging. Discovering new makeup. Styling.

• I am getting my strut back. Little by little I am learning to love myself again. It’s not going to happen overnight BUT I am getting there.

“God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith.”
Joel 2:25 

2017.

I am ready. 

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Oil for Oily Skin?

It's the most wonderful time of year. The time of sweating yourself to death in a pool of sweat because mother nature is a jerk. 
Along with the many lists of wonderful things I got in the gene pool from my parents including my sass, good looks and charm come a list of not so great qualities. Including my lack of patience, allergies, oily face and sweat glands. Thanks, mom!
Because of my mom's ultimate generosity, I get to pay the ultimate price and sweat in air conditioning. Jealous? I know you are. I mean everyone gets to have their highlight on fleek and I have a natural born highlight called oil. 
I don't get to experience the joys of having my highlight be able to land planes or have the ability to have my face beam up to Mars. But I do have a t-zone that gets shiny like nobody's business after about 20 minutes in the sun. 
Every summer I get to deal with the oil and my makeup literally melting off my face. Oil blotting sheets have nothing on me. I can 2 of those sheets fully soaked in oil within seconds. Disgusting right? However this year, I said enough is enough and I am going to get this hot mess situation under control because no one needs to experience it. So I started doing some research into how to get the oil to stop production effective immediately. 
Gel moisturizer. Nope.  Night cream. Nope.  Face masks. Nope You get the idea.

As a last resort, I discover cleansing oil. We have a winner! I literally immediately saw a difference in not only how my skin felt but how it was starting to look throughout the day. I wasn't becoming a grease slick within an hour or two after putting on my makeup. It was taking a lot less time to become shine face. It was glorious. 

Garnier was one of the first brands to put out a cleaning oil in the drugstore. You take 2 pumps of the oil into your hand and rub onto a clean dry face. To remove it, I take a warm washcloth, put on my face for a couple of seconds to loosen the oil and then use the cloth the remove my makeup and other dirt on my face. 9 times out of 10, I would always have to use a face wash afterwards cause I always felt like there was still oil just sitting on top of my skin. But until I found another cleaning oil at the drugstore, I was out of luck. 
Then the craze hit the fan and needless to say, cleaning oil was everywhere. Neutrogena blessed me and released my holy grail oil of all time. 

This stuff smells amazing and doesn't leave me feeling oily afterward. I don't have to use a face wash after. I can just use the cleansing oil to remove my makeup, dirt, and oil. It has even gotten most of my waterproof mascara. I constantly have 2 on hand at all times. If one God forbid goes missing, home girl has a backup. I take this stuff seriously. 
In my quest to find the right solution to rid myself of ShineFestUSA on my face, I read an article about Catherine Zeta Jones. The woman is drop dead gorgeous. I have always admired her and how great she looks. In this article, she said how every night she slathers herself in argan oil. I immediately bought argan oil to slather myself in. Just like someone saw Cady Haron wearing army pants and flip flops. So she bought army pants and flip flops. 

I can't put into words how much argon oil has changed my skin game. I use this stuff all the time like they use Windex in Big Fat Greek Wedding. I literally burnt my ear curling my hair and put argan oil on the burn and it healed so much faster. It has help my acne scarring, replaced my eye cream, night cream and so much more. When I use it at night, it absorbs into my skin quickly so I don't have to worry about it rubbing off on everything. I notice my makeup goes on so much more smoothly in the morning, and I don't need to use as much foundation. It is a serious game changer in my skin care routine. 
Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that putting oil on my face would help with my oily face. It always seemed so counterintuitive but it goes without saying that there is a cure for just about everything. Had I not discovered cleansing oil or argan oil, I would probably be a hot sweaty mess with grease face standing the closest to an AC vent or fan. 
Summer is miserable. But your face doesn't have to be. 

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Prayers for Orlando

She was taken from this world far too soon. But in the wake of the events that happened very close to home, this is what I hold hope onto. 

In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song; this Cornerstone, this solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand.

#RIPChristinaGrimmie
Sing with the angels
We are #OrlandoStrong

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Size doesn't matter

XXS, XS, S, M, L, XL, 1X, 2X, 3X To some those combinations of letters and numbers are basically their entire world. How they view themselves is solely based on the size they wear. If they go up a size, they go home and throw away junk food, and get on the treadmill. If they go down a size, everyone and their mother are going to know about it on social media one way or another.  How is this normal? The size that you wear means nothing to Joe Blow that is checking out behind you. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I danced growing up and was never the skinniest one in my dance class. I had boobs, a stomach, and thighs. But I could twirl just as well as the other skinnies. I went to college, lived on my own for 4 years and gained weight. Stress from school, a little depression from being on my own and unhealthy habits got the best of me. What can I say? It happens. I moved back home, got a job and started realizing just how truly unhappy I was in my own skin.  Hello, wake up call. I am 26. I have never really been in a real relationship. My younger brother is happy in love and ready to tie the knot. Let's also mention that I seriously just have to refresh my Facebook and BAM another couple is engaged or announcing they're pregnant. That alone is enough to buy stock in Ben and Jerry's. Call me corny but that is all I have ever wanted in life. To be happy in love, in a white house with a red door and kids playing in the backyard. So cliche, I know. (You don't have to tell me twice.) And now he was getting his chance. All I have to show for my nonexistent love life is my Cheeto-stained fingers and me live tweeting The Bachelorette.  But it hasn't been until recently where I finally came into my own about everything going on in my life. My mom and I met up with my future sis-in-law to catch up about life in St. Augustine. The outlet mall was across the street from the restaurant that we met her at so when the going gets though, we go shopping.  I have been stressed beyond belief about the idea of finding a dress for this wedding it is not even funny. I keep looking at dresses with the only thought process being would that look good in pictures or would I look like a bloated whale? We ended up in Lane Bryant Outlet and I have never prayed so hard in my life that maybe something would stand out on the racks for me to try on so I didn't seem so helpless finding a dress for this event less than 3 months away. 

I found a red lace natural waist dress. They had sizes 14, 22 or 26. That's fun! I have been trying to cut back and watch what I eat to get ready for the shindig. I knew I had lost some weight. Not enough to fit a size 14 but maybe a 22. I got someone to pull the zipper and hot damn it went up!  The thing is just because the zipper went up, does NOT mean it looked good. The dress had this natural waistband and it hit me at the wrong spot and didn't lay right on me. So we got the 26 and sure enough, the dress laid better on my curves and didn't make me so exposed if you know what I mean.  Was I crushed when I had to get the larger size? No. The size that was on the dress label meant nothing to me. Sure. I was so proud of myself when that the size 22 zipper zipped. But nothing compares to the feeling of the dress looking good on my body.  No worrying that my muffin top was hanging out. No worrying that my boobs were going to poke someone's eye out. No worrying about sitting down and something could come tumbling out of place. No worrying about popping a seam. No worrying that if I bent over all of the world would be scarred for life at what they saw. It rages me to no end when I people get so worked up over the stupid size. If I dressed the smallest part of my body and let everything just hang out, I would be in jail for public indecency.  It is so important to highlight your assets and cover your imperfections in a respectful way. I tell people all the time to not look at the tag but to look at how you look in the mirror when you were trying on the clothes. Just because you can close the button on size 12 jeans doesn't mean they actually fit. If it looks like you stuffed yourself in the jeans and have a muffin top, chances are it doesn't fit. I am sorry but it is just not cute to bend over and have everything come spilling out like hot lava.   Just look at how shocked these women were when they tried on clothes without looking at the tag:
I am a 2X. Sometimes 3X or 1X. But above all else... I am more than the size on the tag.

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Summer Wedding

Summer Wedding by haleylong featuring hoop earrings

Just because you have a winter color dress sitting in the closet waiting for the next work Chrsitmas party, doesn't mean that you can't wear it all year long.

I bought this dress with the idea that I might possibly wear it for a wedding this July. But because I am a member of the groom's family, I decided I better match with my immediate family.

Have no fear though. I am still going to wear this dress all year.

The idea of taking a winter color and styling it for summer is quite overwhelming to a lot of people. The key to all of it is finding a summer/spring color that you think compliments the winter tone. One of my favorite color combinations is red and turquoise. So I found these fun turquoise shoes and the rest was history. Look for a fun statement necklace with some of that same turquoise color to tie in that turquoise toward the neckline. Teal nails, berry red lips, and gold accessories finish off the look.

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Ashley Graham SLAYS

Dear Joe Jonas,
I can't even put into words how madly in love with you I am. I have loved you ever since Year 3000. The Jonas Brothers were awesome and I have to admit you were Burning Up.
DNCE is my jam. Cake by the Ocean is my favorite song to jam out to in the car.  But this new video for Toothbrush is EPIC beyond reason. {REPEAT 1,000 TIMES A DAY}

1. Ashley Graham

1. Ashley Graham

1. Ashley Graham

Let's discover all the reasons why this music video is my favorite video of all time.

This video is such a breath of fresh air. It gives people like me with curves and all hope for the future that maybe one day we will see many, many more music videos.

Thank you, Joe! 

P.S I will gladly leave a toothbrush at your place.

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Because every girl with curves wants to wear a mumu

Sunday is Easter. I am a pastor's kid. Therefore I am required to not only show up to church but look to impress. So after I left work yesterday, I decided I would go to my favorite store in town to just see what they have. You can never have too many skirts or shirts. I can mix and match the old with the new and people can think they have never seen it before. Trust me. I get asked constantly if something is new when I have worn it a thousand times.  But I digress...
I live in a small town. So my choice of plus size clothing stores in town are TJMaxx or Cato. Cato wins always. Sorry TJMaxx but you only have old lady plus size clothes and that is major annoying. There are girls with curves who want to look like they are not 68 years old. In case you haven't heard of Cato's, they are a clothing store that offers ladies and plus sizes. I like them cause they "normally" offer plus size versions of their regular sizes. They are inexpensive and great quality. I never have a problem in that store. Normally. 
I walked in and start looking through to see what they have. Lots of spring colors and patterns. But the elephant in the room was the lack of seams in almost every plus size piece for sale. You name it shirts, pants, skirts, dresses and even jackets. Baggy McBaggerson. My heart was literally breaking right there in the store. 

Even the model is uncomfortable

We are living in an age where for the first time a plus size model was featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Stores like Lane Bryant are having commercials being banned on major television networks on it's body-positive message. A male plus size model has been signed with a modeling agency. So why is it that I should feel confident as a plus size woman with all that being said but instead I walk around a store and feel like there are no clothes on the market for my size?
I walk around in Target and see there are only 4 racks for plus sizes in the far back corner of the store and then the rest of the ladies clothing section is for sizes 0-12. Is it fair? 
My body is mine and mine alone. I was made to be exactly as I am. You don't have to approve of my body. As long as I am comfortable in my own skin, that is what matters. But I shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable to shop for myself. 
Clothes should be figure flattering to everyone. Not every single woman with curves wants to wear a mumu. If I see another shirt with flowy chiffon fabric that is longer than my butt, I will be in jail. I am sick and tired of shark bite shirts. I want princess seams and fabric that can give me shape. I can't even find a basic t-shirt without an extra yard of fabric. Is impossible for us to have skinny jeans or does every pant on the market have to be a palazzo pant? 
I want to believe that there is hope in sight and things will change. But I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Every plus size website that I go on is all the same. I am willing to pay full retail for something that fits and looks good. I fully believe in the power of good fitting clothing. If it fits my body well, you can bet your bottom dollar I am walking out of the store with it. However, at what price am I willing to pay to wear yards and yards of fabric? When is it time to say enough is enough?
I walked out frustrated, mad as hops, and my confidence visibly shaken. I am done with retailers thinking that all plus size women want to wear potato sacks. No one wants to go shopping and feel like a whale when leaving the store. Shopping for new clothes should make you feel happy. But instead, I felt like a bloated whale. 
And that is not a good feeling.

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